Yesterday, the one who told a story about tofu… Because I had just talked about tofu a moment ago... If it is so smoky, then close your eyes for a moment until the smoke is gone. If your nose is congested, then pinch your nose, too. He told the story that there was a monk... But I didn’t know if the story was true or not, because he told the story, not me. There was a monk who was in a house – no, in a temple, not in a house. In the temple, he liked to eat the “cây còn”. (“Cây còn” is a slang for dog[-people] meat.) “Cây còn” is a kind of plant, too. So it is nothing to complain about! So if we eat basil, water spinach, then he (the monk) eats “cây còn,” so what is the problem? Yeah, right. But the people, they gossiped terribly, criticized him a lot. Criticized him for eating “cây còn.”
So the monk told the young (novice) monk… do you know what a novice monk is? (Yes.) But he was not a novice monk, rather a temple trainee, the tiny little one who walks in that mincing, dainty way. The monk reminded the little temple trainees, “When the guests visit and ask what we eat, you have to tell them that we eat tofu, understand? Don’t tell them that we eat ‘cây còn,’ OK?” Those little temple trainees said, “OK. Amitābha. OK.” One day, some good young men and young women came to visit the temple. They sat down and talked to the abbot. Suddenly in the back of the temple, the dog(-people) started barking crazily. My God, they didn’t know what was going on. The monk then called the little temple trainee, “Go find out what is so noisy out there.” The little temple trainee ran out and then ran back immediately, and said, “Dear Master, there is nothing to worry about. What happened was that the ‘tofu’ in the village bit the ‘tofu’ in our temple.”
Yeah, we are finished with [Lord] Jesus’s stories, Buddha’s stories. I have many funny stories all the time, but they are only funny when I read them [out loud]. Otherwise, they are not funny. There was a funny story about Madame Ching Hai, but now I forgot it already. Now I have a funny story about Taiwan (Formosa), but probably you heard it already. (No, not yet.) Not yet, but you didn’t hear it yet, how do you know to say “not yet”? So, in Taiwan (Formosa), one time, they told me a story like this. There was a woman... This is a mundane story. Don’t criticize me that “I am not a practitioner.” Do you want to hear? (Yes, we do.) Unfortunately, if someone scolds you, don’t tell them who told you (the story), OK? (Yes.) Just listen to it and then forget about it.
There was a woman who was about to give birth to a future Buddha or a future Lord Jesus, something like that. But before getting into the hospital, her “water” broke. She was so embarrassed, and then she just sat there crying. She could not bear it, too embarrassed; sat there lamenting and kept crying. The midwife felt pity for her. Because it’s not good to be sad just after delivery, the midwife said, “OK, don’t cry anymore. What are you crying for? You can deliver the baby anywhere you want, so what are you crying for?” And the woman said, “It’s so embarrassing. I didn’t even make it into the hospital, the baby came out right in front of the hospital door. With so many people watching, I am so embarrassed!” The midwife said, “This is nothing. A year ago, I helped a woman to deliver a baby.” In Âu Lạc (Vietnam) we say “help someone to deliver,” right? (Yes.) “I tried to help her, but before I could prepare anything, she delivered the baby right on the highway, public highway!” Then that woman cried even louder, even more embarrassed, and she used a piece of cloth to cover her face. The midwife then asked, “What’s wrong? What happened to you?” She said, “That woman was also me!” (Master tells such funny stories.)
Ah, there is another funny story. Mr. Ba Lang Thang met Mr. Bốn Cầu Bông at 2 AM in Bến Thành Market and said, “Why aren’t you home yet, Mr. Bốn Cầu Bông?” Mr. Bốn Cầu Bông said, “Oh no, I won’t go home, because my wife is yelling fanatically, making noise all over town.” “Oh, why is she yelling and making noise to disturb the neighbors?” “Because I am late. I’m not going home yet. Because I am still not home at this hour.” Understand? (Yes.)
This is a story for children. The teacher called up a student named Bóng Độn. I changed his name to Bóng Độn. The teacher scolded Bóng Độn, “Why can’t you remember by heart the geography article, which is so short? So this time I have to punish you. You have to write that article twenty times, and give it back to me tomorrow afternoon.” Then the next day, that guy Bóng Độn came up to the teacher. He gave to the teacher only ten articles. The teacher scolded him so badly and said, “Why didn’t you listen to me? You didn’t study the lesson well, so I told you to write it twenty times. How come there are only ten here?” Bóng Độn said, “Dear teacher, I am very bad at math too. I could not count correctly!” The guy Bóng Độn. Oh, how come you are dividing and sitting on both sides? It’s OK if you sit up here, too. Then you have to close your eyes and pinch your nose, right? (No problem, no problem.) No problem? If you fan, then do it upwards.
Ah, this story is also funny. Mr. Tám Lang Thang met Mr. Tư Cầu Bông. He said, “Hey, Mr. Tám Lang Thang, what happened to your face, it is swollen? Why is your face so long? Why so sad?” Mr. Tám Lang Thang said, “My God, I was just so angry, you know? Yesterday, I came home early and saw my wife expressing her love to that Western guy with blue eyes and a big nose. You see, I am so angry?” So Mr. Tư Cầu Bông said, “Oh, but didn’t you say anything? You saw that and didn’t say anything?” Mr. Tám Lang Thang said, “How could I? I don’t know that Western language at all!” This guy Tú Xe told so many funny stories. This story, after I tell you, then you don’t copy it. (OK.) Oh, the bookstore Khai Trí, Lê Lợi. OK, he would not sue us, he would not have the time to sue us. I’m telling you the story for fun, reading the book to entertain you, the book from Mr. Tú Xe.
In the doctor’s office, there was a patient who respectfully talked to the doctor and said, “Dear doctor, I am so grateful to you. I appreciate your great favor, because you saved my life. I don’t know how to repay you, doctor. So until now, I keep thinking about that, and my heart is not peaceful.” Then the doctor said, “Never mind. It’s nothing that you should keep thinking about. You just pay me. The cost is six hundred dollars for the examination and for the medicine, and that is not much. And other than that, I don’t bother. So there is no favor whatsoever.” So the patient said, “That is exactly why I have been wondering all the time, because I don’t know where I can dig out six hundred dollars to pay you!” OK, let’s see if there is any other good story. There are many stories which I can’t read to you. As friends, we can tell [these stories], but not in front of the public.
This story is also fun. Children's stories are very fun. The funny but good stories, for example... Wow, my God, in this modern age, everything is brought out. There was a student whose name was Lém, and he was excellent at math, meaning he was a genius in his class. So one day, an inspector came to visit that primary school. The teacher wanted to show off his student, and called Lém to come up, and asked Lém, “Lém, can you tell me, 15 plus 3 equals what?” Lém said, “Dear teacher, it equals 25.” The teacher said, “Oh, you know very well that 15 plus 3 is 18. Why did you say 25? You knew it very well, how come you said 25?” Lém said, “Yes, I knew very well that 15 and 3 is 18. But my mother has a business in Bến Thành Market. She tells me to add a few more dollars to the price, then when the customer bargains down, it would be just right.” You want to listen to more? (Yes, we do.) This book, I didn’t read all of it, so we look for stories while we read along. (Yes.) There are many stories which I already read, noted down, but many I didn’t know, so I don’t know which one is good, which one is bad.
Here is another story. It’s almost midnight, past midnight already. Anybody read this yet? If you did, then we don’t read it anymore. (No, we didn’t yet.) If you already read it, then it’s boring to read it again. (No, we didn’t yet.) (Whatever You read is good.) Is that so? (Yes. Master reads very well.) Just like when we read out loud, it’s more fun, right? (Yes.) To have fun. Otherwise, what else can we talk about today? Talking about becoming a Buddha all day is boring, everyone knows that. Stop harping on the same string! The English people, give them translation. Please, can you take care? Some of you? Take care that they have earphones or translation. Alright? (Yes.) (…) or anyone else. (Yes.) You have people do that? (Yes, we have.) Take care, huh? Good. Now, one more story.
So it was past midnight, Mr. Tư Ngốn came home after drinking somewhere. He was walking past the Bình Lợi Bridge. And he heard a voice from the river, under the bridge. Someone was calling for help, and making all kinds of noises. Mr. Tư Ngốn looked down at the river and asked, “What is going on? Why are you yelling so loudly at midnight like this? No one can sleep!” That guy in the river said, “My God, please help me. I yell because I don’t know how to swim.” Mr. Tư Ngốn looked again and said, “You are so weird, talking nonsense. I also don’t know how to swim, but I don’t yell loudly like that.” He didn’t know how to swim either.
This one is also fun. It was about 2 or 3 AM but Mr. Tám Cà Lăm was still tossing and turning, could not sleep. His wife asked, “What is going on, why are you tossing and turning and not sleeping?” Mr. Tám said, “My God, I owe the neighbor 5,000 dollars. I promised to pay him back tomorrow morning, but I still don’t have the money yet.” His wife said, “My God, I thought there was something else, but this one is easy. Let me handle it for you.” She ran to the neighbors’ house, knocked on their door loudly, called Mr. and Mrs. Tư to wake up and asked, “Mr. and Mrs. Tư, I am sorry, but did my husband borrow 5,000 dollars from you and say he would pay you back tomorrow?” Mr. and Mrs. Tư said, “Yeah, that’s right.” She then said, “I am telling you, my husband has nothing, and he can’t pay you tomorrow at all.” Then she went back home. She told her husband: “OK, you can relax and sleep now. Because it’s the neighbors’ turn, they can’t sleep now.” Do you understand? (Yes, I do.) The desert heroine, do you understand? She lives in the desert, old but very brave. She wears a ribbon at the back of her hair, see that? Your ribbon is prettier than mine. OK, you guys continue to close your eyes. My God, open your Wisdom Eye, and close your physical eyes.
I love jokes. (Master is telling the jokes very funny.) Huh? (Master telling jokes is fun to listen to.) Yeah. Telling a story is also an art. (Yes.) Otherwise, it would not be funny.
Photo Caption: In Higher Realms, Rose Doesn’t Come with Thorns
